Archive for September, 2007

Twineham & Wineham

Sunday, September 30th, 2007

A draw for the last game of the season, as reviewed by the oppo:
TWCC v Brighton Beamers September 30th 2007
Twineham and Wineham Cricket Club’s generally unremarkable season ended unremarkably as the Beamers, never looking like getting the required runs, played out for a draw. A resurgent Twineham batted first, Captain Simon having lost the toss, and the top of the order scored well in the face of some hostile bowling. All of the top five got in and played well. Paul, out for 12, unlucky when he was taking his bat away from danger and the ball got up further than it should and took an edge on the way through to the keeper. Tony a really good 31, Mikey – in for a long time and doing another great job – top scored with 34. Steve, 30 in no time. Richard, 19. Lots of good runs, and not what TWCC have managed to do often enough this season. George, in at 6, and skipper Jim only managed 5 between them but then the not-out Steinkes sorted out the last few overs with Matt on 10 and Phil on 15. All these runs kept adding up and the Beamers found they needed 165 to win – a good total on the Twineham wicket this season.
A quick tea in the interests of not getting into the twilight zone, and the Beamers set about their task. Good bowling from all, really, and the total never looked within reach for the visitors. Matt and Richard opened, Matt 9 overs, 2 maidens, 2 for 16; another great spell. Richard, 5 overs 2 maidens, 1 for 5 – again, not giving anything away. Time for Mikey and, although the ball was swinging a bit – his trademark – it was getting wetter and heavier in the early evening dew and it soon stopped doing much for him in his spell of 5 overs 1 maiden, 1 for 16. Phil, 5 wickets in his previous game, was soon at it again, taking 2 wickets in his 7 over spell for 18 runs. Jim, feeling good about his bowling, even managed a wicket in his 4 overs, 2 maidens, 1 for 9.
The beamers were getting through their batsmen all this while, but up until the last 10 overs were still in with a chance of getting the runs, but after that it became clear that the shop was being shut up. Time for George’s tempters; no bites. Then, with 6 overs to go on came Matthew Brock who charged in and impressed the selectors mightily, ending with figures of 3 overs 0 for 5. Paul, still trying to force a wicket from the Downs end (3 overs, 0 wickets for 11) was removed for the penultimate over to see if Honza (gully extraodinary) could create a chance, but by then all was over as the Beamers merely fended everything off for the draw; 105 for 7.

Thirty nine whippets, four parakeets and a cat!

Monday, September 10th, 2007

How little The Sun newspaper knew this week when they wrote a random
article about animals, the RSPCA and a once respected barrister that
on Sunday at Braypool The Beamers were to win handsomely again and
that a bone fide rotund dobber was to be canonised. Modena might
lament Luciaono Pavarotti this weekend we didn’t. Our aria was sung
by a ‘six for’ not a tenor.

A thousand motorbikes and the occasional lovely Lambretta noisily
descended upon Brighton, all not to witness a frankly glorious display
of Cricket by a cool squad of mods, bikers, bowlers and strikers.

East Brighton’s array of Newberry bags and their matching shirts
dazzled some Beamers. Not Lord Chaff of Lactation and Mr Smith as they
agreed to umpire practically naked, with the confidence of men who
have little opportunity nowadays to show their nipples to their wives

Frank, skipping with artistry, asked for volunteers to open with him,
Simon ‘I eat live foxes’ Brett took the baton with gusto. A 35 over
limited game required guile and after the East Brighton twins were
subdued Riggers came to the crease to ease Beamers nerves. Run rate is
vital in these kinds of matches, and as Golden Arm G was mulling an
early declaration maf thought the tempo needed to be upped. A swish
and a swat, all very artless but effective..until ‘Umpire’ Jonners
gives him out to one that hit his ‘glove’ ie. neck. Wicket keepers
angel delight.

No fear though as Smiffie confidently spanks a few strays and the
scoreboard clicks along. Beamers’ concentration only marred as a
boundary warm up for Lord nearly kills a baby, tension mounts as Mr
Brett advises Maf to apologise. Team spirit evaporates and we all
wonder if our insurance policy covers such likelihood, we regroup and
thank God we aren’t in Portugal at the moment.

Back to cricket and Riggers looking stable, near his fifty and playing
some assured strokes is joined at the feathered crease by Cave.
Beamers 140 ish for 5 . Mutterings on the boundary that 200 is on
despite Golden Arm still pondering a declaration. Cave has other ideas
and plays shots that Matthew Hayden only dreams about, a wonderful
return to form. Beamers spent at 192, all batsmen in double figures!
“Give us some watered down orange, a bit of cheese and chutney and
some E numbered whipped cream scone to boot” the Beamers cry. East
Brighton WAGS deliver and the world seems ok again.

Siddo imbued with the thought of an elongated poster of Alan “sniffer’
Clarke in his car, and the RSPCA’s only friend, open the attack for
the Beamers. East Brighton look bereft, confused and elsewhere. After
10 overs the score card states 29 for 1, a flat riposte to their
limited oeuvre. Field placement is cunning but catches are dropped and
a sense of worry erupts as we note Andrew ‘A and E’ Eaton is
struggling to cough and move at the same time. The East Brighton
number three then accelerates with two peaches but is OUT..So OUT to a
Brett catch at deep long on from some magic from Golden arm. Smiffie
thunders in and bowls like a man possessed, staring the bat down after
nearly putting him in hospital. Testosterone outlets on a Sunday a
lovely substitute drug for those not getting any sex.

All seemed so humdrum, so Sunday, so early September until Frank
uttered the now legendary phrase ” Andrew next over please”. Some
Beamers were doubting Gods judgement, some observed ‘A and E’s ” down
beat body language, his malady since the tea break and the struggle to
bend over. Surely this was madness at Braypool! But fools we were.
With a run up that requires only one shoe and an arm that inspires
only one rule Eaton precedes to devour the middle order. Dobtasic!!![Photo]
Eased to fame with a wonderous catch from Riggers and some psychology
from Smiffie East Brighton were so oppressed they might have thought
about fleeing to the west. With figures of four overs 6 for 34 ‘A and
E’ needed to be taken off, and he was . Then a superb caught and
bowled by the promising seamer maf, and a wicket for Lord finally put
the East Brighton homeless puppies to bed.

Jugs were so aplenty that evening at the Battle that even Jonners got one. Guilt I presume?

Beam On!!!!

Beamers celebrate diversity…a win!

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Like a team without a trusting BBC mission statement or a troupebereft of new erotic Latin moves the Beamers came into this crunchmatch, against the oddly named Southwick wanderers from Plumpton , low onconfidence.

As the usual gaggle of has beens and dancing queensassembled spirits were raised by three sterling discoveries; LordChafey of Lactation was present, Frank was skipper and Maf was veryunlikely to bowl.

After the Southwick skip dithered at the toss heeventually decided to put Beamers into bat, an error it was totranspire of Rose West proportions. Johnners choose to umpire with asubtle red pullover and somehow despite this cardinal faux pas oneknew everything was going to be all right. Pete, hung-over, but fullof arched back purpose and Frank opened against a lively accuratepair of seam. Scoring was not the required course of action, and afterwhat seemed an hour Beamers were 43 for 1 off 376 overs with the twomain Southwick attack seen off. Then as a new pair of village dobbers,the still on trial Phil Spector and a sleeveless ( that’s NOT cricket) Right said Fred, throwing the leather sphere Beamers eventually found runs with gusto, brio and yes you guessed it – panache!!

But wait! there goes the Lord run out and the Smith to astraight pistol whip from Spector. Calypso Collapso? No Sir! Some finetail wagging from Rob and Golden arm ensured a meritable total of 154.

Bring on the penguin biscuits and tea. Skipper , thoughtful as ever,had an ocean of bowlers to employ and he knew some poor whale wouldneed to be culled, Maf seemed the obvious choice. Harpooned from theequation with Japanese scientific efficiency, never to surface againThe restart and Beamer Team spirit was overflowing as the match ballwent missing and we all ganged together to find it, no sense ofrancour just an overwhelming professionalism. Renshaw opened the riposte and immediately the bananas were flying, he might be pisseasy to twat in the nets but on his day this boy is a monkey ofcheekydom. Southwick were Tarzans without Janes, and the wickets felllike coconuts on the Preston Park ground. Beamers were on their toes, everyone pumped and full of purpose, even Pete gaining some encouragement from the Lord’s praises. Sensing some looseness in the fielding Johnners took it up on himself to utilise the famous Beamerbattle cry ” Look lively Beamers!!” and so they did: a wicket from Rob, a re jigging of field placements from skip and then a wondercatch from a nonchalant non bowler but established batsman .

As everthere is always some fly in the ointment and the Southwick openerwas still flashing the blade. However a turning point and afterhaving to collect another long hit in the field next over Smith ran in with a personal mission statement and blood pouring from his eyes…What a Yorker! What a Bowler!. The Southwick spine snapped. Various things then might have happened but I was too busy limberingup in hope to note. Finally Phil Spector came in to try and blockfor an hour but despite the enthusiasm flagging from the Glasgowmedia group Beamers took the last wicket and we all ran toward the milk of human kindness , a shower and a pint. THis was a game, a victory and a performance that can be summed up in two words (no , not ‘off peg’, ‘stay focussed’, or ‘pint please’) but TEAM SPIRIT – everyone’s a contributor in this victory… Beam on!