Wrighteous writes:

Where have all the Robs gone?

A strange phenomena was noted during Sunday’s triumphant disposal of the Unity, the absence of the Beamer’s Rob. This variety of Beamer has been in abundance since the very beginning of Beamerhood and has traditionally been found in 3 main forms:

• The Nicholls, a tall willowy Rob full of bounce and vigour (especially the hair) and with a tendency to caress the ball to all parts of the field;
• the Beast, a more aggressive version of the Rob with a savage array of shots as well as a more subtle armoury of off spin;
• The Siddo, a smaller greyer Rob with boundless energy, exceptional speed through the covers and the ability to make things happen with either bat or ball.

Alas on Sunday none of the more common Robs were in evidence. However there was a sighting of a new species of Rob, the lesser spotted Mussett (sometimes mistaken for the lesser spotted Will-Mussett) who showed considerable promise during the tea interval though he has yet to fully tested in the bar.

On Sunday’s evidence, it would appear that the Robs are losing out to a newer form of Beamer collectively known as the Richards in much the same way as the red squirrel appears to be losing out to the grey. Although present within Beamers history in recent times Richards have become increasingly common and now come in a variety of forms:

• The greater spotted Mussett – with links to the ‘lesser spotted ’ variety, this is an aged version of Richard, with a laid back nature unless that is a red ball is thrust into his right mitt
• The Riggers – a tall phlegmatic version of the Richards showing exceptional promise with both bat and ball and the ability to string a cord or two when in a Daze
• The Tonguester – an aggressive variety of Richard with a tendency to be active all over the week end including Sunday morning. Although occasionally toothless, this variety is known to bite hard with both bat and ball.
• The Ogbue – a new species with links to the Riggers already demonstrating great promise and with the rather unusual ability to throw with the left hand and bowl with the right
And finally
• The Johners – although not normally associated with the Richards, it is evident that this variety of Beamer is closely related. A fully mature, tall specimen with an ability to make unsuspecting Beamers cough up large amounts of dosh without recourse to too much violence.