C'est La Bete

Une correspondance a ete recu de la Grande Bete:

"Dear Beamers All

First of all apologies for being such a poor correspondent. My excuse is that, firstly, it has not proved easy to obtain a phone line and then an internet account. However, even had such things been immediately forthcoming, my computer was, until recently, languishing in a warehouse in Rustington and even on its arrival there was no dust-free environment within which to locate it until a week or so ago. These pre-conditions for effective communication have now all been met!

We have been labouring long and hard to create some comfortable space within the hostile environment that is our french home and have succeeded in some measure not least of all in terms of the high-tech, display-model, luxury kitchen which we transported from a show room in Kensington Gardens and installed somewhat incongruously in decaying 300 year old surroundings. It has attracted attention from the occasional french workman who has been persuaded to cross our threshhold. They ask us why, when the English obviously have no culinary flair and indeed prefer to eat shit, we have need of two ovens and a microwave. We have no ready answer. The neighbours gather outside the window through which the gleaming stainless steel kitchen's contours are clearly visible and murmur, perhaps in appreciation, perhaps disgust - their collective lack of teeth and ferocious local accent make understanding difficult.

In truth they are friendly and welcoming and make it clear that anyone would be better than those bastards from Paris.

There are a not insignificant number of British ex-pats living locally though thankfully not too many in the town itself. They can often be found in an English-run bar where they discuss optimum locations for SKY satellite dishes and the problems of obtaining decent egg and chips. Needless to say we have thrown ourselves into this lively social scene with great gusto.

The town itself is chocolate-box pretty and a delight to wander through at all hours but in all other respects it would seem to match perfectly Nick's description of it as the most boring place on earth. We shall see. The surrounding countryside is exquisite and we walk for miles without seeing another soul. This is fortunate as Oscar has extended his list of people whom he perceives to be different and therefore feels obliged to bark at (old people, mad people, people in wheelchairs etc) to include French people.

In all other respects we are fine, fit and well and enjoying the many and various challenges this new life poses.

However, as May approaches my thoughts naturally turn to cricket and I will be with you in spirit on Thursday evenings and Sundays. Can I look forward to regular match stats and reports? Is there to be a tour, will there always be an England?

Lots of love

Beast"