Brighton Beamers Cricket Club

How little The Sun newspaper knew this week when they wrote a random article about animals, the RSPCA and a once respected barrister that on Sunday at Braypool The Beamers were to win handsomely again and that a bone fide rotund dobber was to be canonised. Modena might lament Luciaono Pavarotti this weekend we didn't. Our aria was sung by a 'six for' not a tenor. A thousand motorbikes and the occasional lovely Lambretta noisily descended upon Brighton, all not to witness a frankly glorious display of Cricket by a cool squad of mods, bikers, bowlers and strikers. East Brighton's array of Newberry bags and their matching shirts dazzled some Beamers. Not Lord Chaff of Lactation and Mr Smith as they agreed to umpire practically naked, with the confidence of men who have little opportunity nowadays to show their nipples to their wives Frank, skipping with artistry, asked for volunteers to open with him, Simon 'I eat live foxes' Brett took the baton with gusto. A 35 over limited game required guile and after the East Brighton twins were subdued Riggers came to the crease to ease Beamers nerves. Run rate is vital in these kinds of matches, and as Golden Arm G was mulling an early declaration maf thought the tempo needed to be upped. A swish and a swat, all very artless but effective..until 'Umpire' Jonners gives him out to one that hit his 'glove' ie. neck. Wicket keepers angel delight. No fear though as Smiffie confidently spanks a few strays and the scoreboard clicks along. Beamers' concentration only marred as a boundary warm up for Lord nearly kills a baby, tension mounts as Mr Brett advises Maf to apologise. Team spirit evaporates and we all wonder if our insurance policy covers such likelihood, we regroup and thank God we aren't in Portugal at the moment. Back to cricket and Riggers looking stable, near his fifty and playing some assured strokes is joined at the feathered crease by Cave. Beamers 140 ish for 5 . Mutterings on the boundary that 200 is on despite Golden Arm still pondering a declaration. Cave has other ideas and plays shots that Matthew Hayden only dreams about, a wonderful return to form. Beamers spent at 192, all batsmen in double figures! "Give us some watered down orange, a bit of cheese and chutney and some E numbered whipped cream scone to boot" the Beamers cry. East Brighton WAGS deliver and the world seems ok again. Siddo imbued with the thought of an elongated poster of Alan "sniffer' Clarke in his car, and the RSPCA's only friend, open the attack for the Beamers. East Brighton look bereft, confused and elsewhere. After 10 overs the score card states 29 for 1, a flat riposte to their limited oeuvre. Field placement is cunning but catches are dropped and a sense of worry erupts as we note Andrew 'A and E' Eaton is struggling to cough and move at the same time. The East Brighton number three then accelerates with two peaches but is OUT..So OUT to a Brett catch at deep long on from some magic from Golden arm. Smiffie thunders in and bowls like a man possessed, staring the bat down after nearly putting him in hospital. Testosterone outlets on a Sunday a lovely substitute drug for those not getting any sex. All seemed so humdrum, so Sunday, so early September until Frank uttered the now legendary phrase " Andrew next over please". Some Beamers were doubting Gods judgement, some observed 'A and E's " down beat body language, his malady since the tea break and the struggle to bend over. Surely this was madness at Braypool! But fools we were. With a run up that requires only one shoe and an arm that inspires only one rule Eaton precedes to devour the middle order. Dobtasic!!![Photo] Eased to fame with a wonderous catch from Riggers and some psychology from Smiffie East Brighton were so oppressed they might have thought about fleeing to the west. With figures of four overs 6 for 34 'A and E' needed to be taken off, and he was . Then a superb caught and bowled by the promising seamer maf, and a wicket for Lord finally put the East Brighton homeless puppies to bed. Jugs were so aplenty that evening at the Battle that even Jonners got one. Guilt I presume? Beam On!!!!